Taste My Comedy

Me And Murph Are No Longer Speaking

2007-02-24T07:51:00.000-08:00

So Murph and I got into a pretty bitter war of words recently... It's a long story involving Rufio from the movie "Hook" and his entire family, Best Buy electronics stores, and Myspace.com. Ok, I'll briefly recount the arguement:

(Best Buy Commercial playing on TV)

Murph: "Hey thats Dante Basco, Rufio from Hook"

Me: "No. Thats not him. He's dead."

Murph: "Yes, it is him."

Me: "No it isn't! This is the biggest mistake of your life and you are the dumbest person in the world!"

Murph: "Prove it."

Me: "Bangerang."

So after roughly 17 hours of internet research I discovered in a strange twist of fate that the guy in the commercial was infact Dante's brother Dion. So, I was vindicated, but it was a bitter sweet victory for me as we have not spoken since...

That was almost an hour ago and still no word.

Look, I know that Hook killed Rufio in the final battle betweeen the Pirates and Lost Boys. Intellectually I know that. But sometimes I like to think he's out there somewhere, looking down on us, and smiling when he causes irreconcilable fueds.

LaRussa comes out of the closet after 72 years of silence; Gargamel shocked, chases smurfs

2006-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

United Nations Announces Greatest Name, World Weeps, For Joy

2006-03-15T18:55:00.000-08:00

Since the beginning of time man has had one question that has plagued his very existance. It has been pondered over and debated for centuries. Empires have risen and fallen just to answer one great query... what's the coolest name? Throughout the cold war Russia and America argued whether it was Trevor or Uri, this resulted in the uneasy "Corey Truce" of 1989. Now in an official ruling hoping to end the bloodshed for good and restore peace in the Middle-East the U.N has announced today that the coolest name ever is - Gargamel. Yes, Gargamel... more recently made popular by the dick-nosed villain in the mid-80s TV show "The Smurfs", this name is traced back to Biblical roots, and is believed by many scholars to be Moses' middle name. So now once and for all this controversy is finally settled. I am assuming this will usher in an unprecidented era of peace and harmony throughout the world, and maybe Jesus will even come back (possibly in some Gargamel type form, so that we can recognize him). Goodnight, and good luck...

Super Bowl Teaches

2006-02-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

Well another Super Bowl has come and passed, the great plays, the action, the commercials and once again I am truely humbled. I don't know about you but I learned alot. Especially sometime in the first half after I had taken a bunch of vicaton and drank about 10 beers and the Dove self esteem fund commercial came on. It really opened my eyes. They really know their audience. Me and the 35 drunk guys around me all just paused, looked at each other, and just cried. The game didn't seem so important anymore, and for that brief moment we all just exposed our souls. Then I think I passed out for like a few minutes and when I came to there were 2 girls stripping on one of the tables. It really made me think... you know... all of a sudden that fucking Dove commercial didn't seem too important, I mean these two girls were really going at it! I've got the pictures on my phone, trust me. Then I think I shot up some heroine or ate a burger or something, I dont't know, I was so drunk... Anyway in the end Dove spent like $3 million that they could have used to help people, for a 30 second commercial spot during the Super Bowl. I think it's money well spent, I mean nothing is more closely associated with the NFL than Dove soap. Bravo Dove! And Bravo Super Bowl! ... I'm still pretty drunk...

OK I may have jumped the gun... metaphorically... but it really happened

2005-11-30T14:43:00.000-08:00

Alright so I know in my last post I told you all that I had met a girl and fallen in love and this in-tern sent shockwaves throughout the blogging community and indeed the internet as a whole. Alright so I said I loved her and things would probably being going pretty well... but I forgot one detail... she probably has to love me too in order for it to work. I just overlooked it, it could have happened to anyone... it might still work out between us, I mean we aren't broken up or anything... she says she loves me, but I think that is just so she can set me up for an even more crushing defeat in the end. So I've turned back to you for comfort, sweet sweet blog. Hey I know you all knew this would happen, but just don't say it... for me... just don't say it...

A Bastard Speaks Of Love... awwww

2005-10-30T13:31:00.000-08:00

So I've been seeing this girl for awhile now. I've known her forever, and well, I think I love her. I just figured I'd tell you guys that. So, if I quit posting you will know why... huh?! Am I right! (wink, wink) Whao! Up top!!!!!

Either that or I'll be posting on here more than ever when she dumps me. Either way you win. Unless I quit posting, then, I guess you don't get much out of that... you wouldn't win... or if you hate me, then you wouldn't win if I posted more... whatever... I think she only likes me for my platinum teeth and my 'fly whip' anyway... Oh yeah, also me and Murph moved in together. It's not what you think you guys, me and Murph have a completely plutonic, ethnocentric, homo-erotic relationship...

Bird Flu kills 4 People Worldwide, Hysteria Insues

2005-10-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, bird flu, I'll be damned... So from what I understand this bird flu is exactly like the regular flu only it comes from birds, and that scares people... because birds suck or something... Hey, look I hate birds just as much as the next red blooded American, with their beaks, and feathers, and their... flu, but I don't get this. Basically if you are 3 months old or 108 years old and you live in a flock of birds then you have a 10% chance of getting pretty damn sick... so don't do that... otherwise uh, don't have sex with birds, uh, that's about it. Hopefully our race can overcome this unstoppable threat that has already taken the lives of countless sparrows. This just proves that we need to completely destroy nature all together. No birds - no bird flu. Right? Birds... they probably cooked this shit up in their labs, they have never gotten over us beating them to the moon, I will see you in hell birds! Which will actually be pretty soon judging by these startling epidemic numbers. If I go down I will take 7000 birds with me. Once I catch this shit, I will devote every waking hour to killing birds, until then I dunno I'll probably post on here a few more times... maybe play some Halo... whao Burger King is having some kind of special!...

Saddam Raises Good Points, Bushy Eyebrows

2005-10-19T15:19:00.000-07:00

Guys, I know alot of you have had your 'beef' with Saddam in the past for one reason or another, he's a Mets fan, he eats with his mouth open, whatever, but this guy makes some very valid points. Look, he isn't guilty of killing those people because he is still the President of Iraq... see, presidents can kill people all they want, they are like Popes or Baseball Commisioners. Saddam says the illigitimate occupation of Iraq still makes him the President and he should be able to kill everyone in the court room... see guys... c'mon, you may not agree with his hair style choices but you can't deny the logic. He definately has a hold on our Western way of thinking with this defense and I think he is going to come out of this alright... it might take awhile but he'll be back on his feet in no time, working again, acting again, he'll find... what... Saddam was a brutal dictator?... ah, I see... I was wondering about all the animosity... ok, well that makes sense... um, well I still think he was great in "Anaconda 2"

Taste My Movie Review: "Into The Blue"

2005-10-04T21:55:00.000-07:00

***Spoiler Warning*** Don't read any further if you don't want the deep complexities of "Into The Blue" revealed to you!!!!!

OK... How do I say... "Into The Blue"... well, it's exactly how you think it is... EXACTLY... Think of a movie with Jessica Alba and Paul Walker, on a beach, for 2 hours... just imagine them doing whatever you want and that's exactly what happens in the movie... It's cool for like 45 minutes maybe, right? Their firm glistening bodies... aaaaahhhhhh... cool, right? but it keeps going, now it's an hour... an hour and a half... two... yeah, that's the movie, so I hope I didn't ruin the suprise ending for anyone, oh, and you find out Paul Walker's character has been a ghost all along... or something, I don't know I might be getting this movie mixed up with something else... I was REALLY drunk when I saw it, and, I'm really drunk right now, so, make what you want of this review.

Secrets Revealed! (Part 1 of 87)

2005-09-25T22:30:00.000-07:00

I have a giant mole or something on my ass... there I said it! It's on my right butt cheek and it is gigantic... it has been there ever since I can remember, and it swells up to twice it's normal size some times... I call it Young Jasper, because it's really wrinkley and shit so it's ironic to call it 'young' hahahahahahaha
next week - 'Unraveling the Pyramids!' or 'Things I used to eat 81-87: The early years' you decide!

Tom Greene Is Scared

2005-09-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

As Ed Adkins' official PR manager I have challenged Tom Greene to an MC battle on Ed's behalf. Of course Tom Greene has not responded and is most likely curled up on the floor of his bedroom fearing Ed's rhyme skills. Supposedly Tom G posts e-mails that are sent to him on his page but basically anything that makes it to page reads something like this:

"Tom, I watched 'Freddy Got Fingered' for the 186th time last night! It is a classic, pure comic genius, and just humanity at it's finest. This is what we are fighting for over there in Iraq. God bless America and God bless Tom greene!"

something like that, it's usually a little more complimentary but even in a fake context I just can't bring myself to support Tom Greene any more than that...

EdAdkins.com 4life bitches!

I rank 43 on People's 'All-Time Most Beautifulest Gorgeous Pretty People Of All-Time List'

2005-09-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

Alright whats the deal, I'm going to put a picture of myself up on the page soon (really) and then I'm going to do a pole of who would or wouldn't have sex with me (that means you Blue LP), because I get layed like as often as a full equinox magic earth colliding with the moon eclipse... alright... I don't have any visible warts/scars, I'm tall, slightly over weight (but I carry it well, fuck off), I'm decent looking, and I spend 13 hours a day updating my blog... what gives?

Kanye West Takes The World By Storm... Again!

2005-08-31T19:59:00.000-07:00

Wow! Kanye West is back, and so is that lovable bear... so adorable! But is the world ready for his next gangsta masterpiece? I can't begin to tell you how great Kanye West is. I don't listen to his music or anything he does but he is soooo ahead of his time I probably wouldn't understand it anyway! Kanye has already proven himself with tracks such as "I'm the greatest rapper ever", "Kanye is #1" and "Kanye Tida" what does he have in store for us now? I sat down with Kanye to ask him just that.

RGB: Kanye thank you for stopping by TasteMyComedy! Wow! Just great to see you!

Kanye: Yeah... thank you... did you know I was in a car wreck a few years ago?

RGB: Listen, Kanye, what everyone wants to know is how are you so brilliant?

Kanye: I can't explain it man, it's like I don't even try, and then bam! I've got another hit! I was in a car wreck man...

RGB: Wow! Very insightful! Listen let me ask you about your fashion sense! You talk about 'shootin cats' and 'rollin on chrome wheels' yet you dress like a 17th century woman. explain that...

Kanye: Yeah man, you are the first one to ever mention that... I just keep it real, you know, I'm from the streets, man, that's it... car wreck...

RGB: Listen Kanye is it hard to rhyme with your own dick in your mouth?

Kanye: Nah, man it's not as hard as you would think, but that's just me, you know I'm ahead of everyone... I do shit better that everyone, I'm real hip-hop...
car... wreck...

RGB: Alright, wow! it is just an honor, I can't tell you how great and innovative and incredable you are, you may very well be the greatest person to ever live!

Kanye: I know man. I'm real hip-hop.

RGB: Now by real hip-hop do you mean the pink button up shirts and Louie Vuitton purses?

Kanye: Exactly man, it's all about Louie Vuitton bags and killin people man... that's all I know...

RGB: Alright well Kanye I'm gonna 'rap' this up... ahaha a little play on words there hahaha... you being a 'rapper'

Kanye: what?... car wreck...

RGB: Kanye as always just incredable... I am almost blinded by your brilliance a true God among men Kanye, thank you

Kanye: Kanye Tida!

To learn more about Kanye and how incredably, unbelievably, amazing he is, just pick up any magazine from the last year and a half.

Spam Bloggers Will Burn In Hell For Eternity

2005-08-25T10:59:00.000-07:00

No matter what God or religion you beleive in, Spam Bloggers must show you that there is an inherent evil out there in this world and therefor there must be a place for this evil in the afterlife... These bastards start their comments with the most generic yet random sentences, and then go into their product or page... 'Wow, this page blows me away, try this new herpes solution' or 'Very insightful, did you know the logging industry is growing at an alarming rate and I can get you in on the ground floor' This shit is ridiculous... and I'm pretty sure there is nothing we can do about it... I haven't looked into it, at all... but they seem unstoppable, how do you fight something with no soul... they aren't here to talk about sexual escapades or quasi-religious cermonies like the rest of us, they are here only for the money. They are using our loyal fanbase of hundreds of thousands to promote their product... ah, but fuck it, I'm just one man what can I do? Have you asked yourself this question before? Tired of people walking all over you and using your blog as an advertisement? Try Dreamcream! Dreamcream? Yes Dreamcream. A highly concentrated, highly addictive, unproven, hormonal paste that you rub all over your body. How does Dreamcream work? It's simple science.. Dreamcream's patented 'overdose' technique creates a strangely intense, almost overwhelmingly realistic hallucination in which you can solve all of your problems! Get rid of your problems the Dreamcream way! only 17.95 per 12 oz. tube. http://www.LivetheDream.com

Fuck Ya'll, I'm Back

2005-08-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

I am here to announce that another semester is here, I have new classes and a new outlook on life, and well, I am no longer going to use the screen name Relentless Gibberish Bastard. From now on I will be known as the Ridiculous Gerber Baby or 'RGB' for short, yes I know this comes as a huge shock for all of you but you are going to have to push through this... everything changes, there is a season for all things a season for love a season for hunting animals and a season for changing names... turn, turn, turn, Infact I probably won't even be able to figure out how to change my name in my profile anyway, so everything is going to be fine... Ridiculous Gerber Baby OUT!

Constantine, John Constantine

2005-07-31T22:47:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen this shit? It is pretty horrible... I NEVER thought I would live to see Keanu Reeves give a sub-par performance but it has happened. Why Keanu? I just hope this doesn't hurt his legacy as the undisputed 'most talented actor ever' Only time will tell. But if you could all just do me a favor and say a little prayer for Keanu tonight before your head hits the pillow it would mean alot to me. Just that God would gide his hand as he chooses his movies roles, you know the way that God speaks through George Bush... or the Pope, like that... basically just pray that the voice of Jesus Christ would eminate from Keanu Reeves whenever he opens his mouth...
Thanks guys.

Me Post On Blog

2005-07-22T18:51:00.000-07:00

So... I'm kind of homeless right now, and not the fun vagabond under a bridge cooking beans homeless - homeless, homeless. Yeah. By day I put on my pants and go to work for minimum wage like everyone else, but by night I take off my pants and sleep on the floor of a friend's apartment... (the pants reference has no relevance)
Strangely this is exactly where I thought I would be at this point in my life. In August I get sweet finacial aid to waste on PSPs, iPods, and new computers, which... in 5 years will result in me sleeping on the floor a friends apartment... with no pants... the circle of life friends. Let it pour over you... IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE! Dum dee up dum doo dee up da wed up...

Blog Update 2005: This Time It's Personal

2005-05-26T23:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't updated the blog in like 3 months, or, wait what's 26 minus 6, yeah... like 3 months, but anyway, I have a good reason... I was kidnapped. Aparently a "Taste My Comedy" fan, or "TMC Groupie" as they prefer to be called, took a few of my posts out of context and was convinced that I was sending them encoded messages to quit their job, kidnap myself, and then kill the President. Luckily this person was shot 87 times by police as he reached for his pocket comb, and I was freed. So no harm done. Actually I just got two jobs. But if I was kidnapped I'm pretty sure that's how it would go down...
and I have been leaving encoded messages in my blogs...

(hgyuj sdfwergterhbnxccvbs) the crow flies West When the Weather is Wet

Fun With The Early 19th Century

2005-05-06T01:05:00.000-07:00

If I lived in 1804, after a spirited debate between my Whig Party and the Party of Democratic Republicans I would challenge Elbridge Gerry (you don't know who that is) to a duel with single shot revolvers. He's a good shot and would hit me, but I would take his wooden toothed ass with me. He would die almost instantaniosly at the scene, I would die 13 days later as the leeches that were applied to my wound just didn't do the trick. I'll be damned, those leeches almost never work, infact they seem to make people worse, oh well, all those people were probably cursed by witches.

Mommy, What's Hell Like?

2005-05-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

Okay I am just going to tell you about my day in this post. Just how my day was, and nothing else, with every painstaking detail. So I woke up at 9:30 to get to work by 10:00 that was intensely interesting, oh boy, (see last post) any way I end up staying 2 hours past my shift cleaning up the bullshit my co-workers didn't do all day. So I got off work at like 5:30. By this time the Celtics were playing on TNT. They won, after a series of dunks and ridiculous ejections (see NBA post). That ended at about 8:15. From that point I went online here and wrote my earlier post, and looked on ebay for baseball cards, looked at porn, cried inside... you know... by then it was like midnight... now it's 2 a.m. and I can't sleep... I am trying to make something happen with this day but it's forth down man no time left, the shot clocks turned off and I'm down by 4, it's the ninth inning and Tim Wakefield is pitching (end sports analogies) anyway, thats my day. Thats New Mex for ya. There is no downdown club scene, or beach, or sports teams, or campus events... good stuff, very good. Right now you are reading this and saying wow that sucks, but he's probably exagerating, I'M NOT! And don't call me a liar! I may be a thief, and I may be a hemopheliac, but I am not a liar. Well now you know where my fury comes from, a little place I like to call Burque, my own personal hell. Sometimes I think I died years ago, and because I had sex before marraige, and called the Pope a 'wise ass' who was 'asking for a fresh slap on the face' - to his face, that this is where I ended up. Think about it. You might not even realize or remember you died and just get thrown into some place like Burque Love, NM. I think that was a movie or something, yeah, staring Mila JohnJohnavich or whatever, were you die and... oh, whatever...

05/05/05 - C'mon, This Has Got To Be The End Of The World Right?

2005-05-05T20:08:00.000-07:00

So I saw a pre-screening of 'Kingdom Of Heaven' last night, because the RGB has limitless connections, and I just can't get enough of that zanny Orlando Bloom... but anyway it was better than I thought it would be. It was more about how crazy retarded religion is, than the Cruisades themselves, which was cool. I don't know how historicaly accurate it was because I'm not a history major or anything, but the part where Orlando was driving the tank in a battle seemed a little out of place... I don't know, records from that era are very sketchy... I give it like 3 1/2 RGBs. If you are a moron that just wants to ogle Orlando Bloom, see things catch on fire, and then sneak into XXX 2: State Of The Union, I give it 4 1/2. That leads me to this - Is it just me, or are 98% of people comletely, hopelessly, worthlessly stupid... with everything! I could write about this all day. I work at an entertainment store, video games, books, CDs, movies, whatever, and they are all in sections with gigantic, I mean literaly 8 foot signs above them, hanging from the ceiling. I'm trying to tag new releases, stock rentals, whatever... I'm busy you know? And do you know what the most common questions are? 'Where's the Music section?' 'Where are the CDs?' 'Do you guys have movies here?' 'Where am I?' 'Can you tell me my name? It's on this bagde here pinned to my shirt in case I get lost.' 'How many feet are in a yard?' 'Are you my mommy?' SHUT UP! SHUT THE HELL UP! No one wants to open their eyes for two seconds. If they have to spend two seconds scanning the ceiling of the store for the giant 'MUSIC' sign it is too long. 'Where's the music section?' God it is ridiculous. And these people have no shame. I would feel like a complete and total jackass if I walked up to somebody in the middle of their job and was like 'Hey over here! You have to tell me whatever I want, no matter how obvious.' Can't you just go into a store, find what you want, buy it, and leave? We're not talking about breaking a secret fucking code here, thousands of hours are spent labeling, cataloging and orginazing everything. 50 Cent? That would be under 'F' because the number '50' when spelled out, starts with the letter 'F' and in English we organize things by the first letter starting from the left and moving right. Shockingly it's not 'Cent, 50' he's not an author, good try though. 'The Incredibles'? That is actually under 'I', not 'T' for 'The', yeah, very confusing. I think I should stand at the exit door and hand out lolly pops to people who actually come in, buy things, and are able to navigate their way out without opening their damn mouths. Maybe little certificates with stars and stuff saying 'I can function in society (smiley face, XOXOXO)'

This is the stuff that I think probably puts us way behind societies like Ancient Greece on the historican food chain. We are just fooling ourselves when we are like 'We're the greatest society ever, we have cars, and blogs, and breast implants! USA! USA!' And the fact that I work at an entertainment store and my image is not being sculpted or painted right now sets us back too.

One Small Step For Man, One Giant... HEY I'm In This One! I'm In This One! Look For The Feet God Damn It... Uhhh...

2005-05-03T22:10:00.000-07:00

Over the centuries mankind has accomplished unbelievable feats. We have created language and mastered the written word, we have harnessed the unspeakable power of electricity, we have traveled to distant space and walked on the moon, we have learned to split atoms, and created nuclear science, our achievements are limitless our potential in the universe knows no bounds... but when I swing the door of a bathroom stall shut, the lock won't reach the latch. It won't reach... Ever! You have to go from stall to stall closing the doors to see if they lock until maybe the one that presses up against the wall accidently locks. Can't we advance our bathroom stall technology from the hanging from the ceiling, no floor contact model. If you wanted to, you could push these things and completely rip them out of the ceiling. This is what we are shitting in? In 2005? This is not what our forefathers faught for. They probably figured we would be shitting into machines that turned our feces into gold bars by now. But nope. We can't even line up the doors! I want to meet the professionals that assemble these things - 'How big is the door?', '3 feet 6 inches' okay make the latch 3 feet 9 inches away. That will leave plenty of room for that one centemeter protruding lock piece of shit.' Imagine if other people built shit this way. 'ok, This airplane is assembled, the wings are on there pretty close, give or take an inch...' and yes this is a valid comparison, we are talking about people walking in on me shitting damn it!

Kurt Russell Does It Again!

2005-05-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen this movie "Miracle"? If you haven't, just have someone put on a bad wig and scream "This is hockey God damn it!" at you for two hours. Then cry and say you are going to do it for the USA. This movie is terrible. Not only does it star Kurt Russell but it is the most unoriginal, Disney formulated piece of shit on the planet. Kurt even gives the "Goonies" speach when it's motivation time. "This is our time, right now, that was their time, this is our time... blah, blah, blah, blah, Hey You Guys!!!!! (If you don't understand this then you didn't watch "Goonies" as a kid, and if you watched it now, you wouldn't like it, the sun has set on your chance to appreciate the "Goonies". How do you feel.) Anyway, somewhere between the constant USA propaganda, and Kurt Russell's steller performance/hair there are the traditional Disney morals of love, forgiveness, and racism.

Disney funded edit: By the end of the film Kurt has skated his way into your heart, and mind, I give "Miracle" my pattented 5 RGBs! On a personal note, welcome back Kurt, it's like you never left and were only doing crappy movies that people ignored.

The NBA Playoffs Make My Penis Soft

2005-05-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Around here you just assume that people can't speak English until they prove other wise, and I don't mean head nodding I mean them speaking a coherent sentence.
Let me give you a basic scenario from every 5 minutes at my job.

I say:$17.50
amigo: ay, I thin I have that
me: cool, that would be great
(7 min. pause as he counts through pennies, dollars, pesos, & casino tokens)
amigo: diaz y siete y media?
me: cool, yeah, take your time...
amigo: I thin I no hav enogh
me: alright, well it was a pleasure doing business with you, this has been extremely productive, come back anytime.
amigo: I get paid en Sabado
me: Friday it is. I look forward to it. In the meantime you keep being you. Don't lose those little intricacies that make you who you are, alright you hear me. You haven't let America change you, and I think that is so brave. You haven't learned the language, which means you don't have steady employment, and you don't even shower. Good for you. Keep up the fight.
amigo: (pause) si, si... es bueno
me: es MUY bueno (thumbs up)

Anyway, watching the NBA is a treasured past time of mine, but lately it just isn't the same. Idolizing a bunch of bitter multimillionaires who want to fight at the drop of a hat, and would never speak to me if I met them in person, and dunk the ball at a ridiculous pace is getting less and less interesting. You know if you ever met Jermaine O'Neal on the street he would be like "What fool? What you lookin' at? Yeah I'm wearing 9 sweatbands what are you gonna do about it. Thats what I thought, nothin. Bitch." Or something like that. Anyway, he wouldn't want to play HORSE with you. Watching teams go 20/150 from he field with 18 dunks is kind of cool but it gets old after a while. These guys can stand flat footed and touch the rim but they go fucking nuts every time they dunk. They just lose it. If they got that excited over an assist or a jumpshot maybe we wouldn't have gotten our asses handed to us in the Olympics by those damn commies, or South Americans or whatever (I don't know, after we started losing I "accidentally" threw my TV into my other TV). There were guys from villages with no electricity getting our player's autographs after they beat us.

Thats why, after much careful consideration and talking it over with my family, and of course Coach B, I'm declaring my self eligable for the 2005 NBA Draft. That's right I'm leaving The University of New Mexico, and the land I love so dearly, for millions dollars playing a sport. It was a tough choice. Next month at my job I think they were going to put me up to $6.15 an hour. They didn't say anything, but they hinted. I'm already projected as a late first round/early second round pick. Scouts like my mobility, at 6'1, 235 pounds, I'm very versitile. Anyway watch to see if my dreams get crushed on July 8th in New York.

Ask The RGB

2005-04-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

So my friend is going on the other day about his girlfriend. On and on, and on, 'we don't get along', 'we don't talk as much', 'our sex is bad', whao!, Stop. Now this is where I come in. I don't want to brag but I fancy myself as quite the expert in the bedroom. When I lived in Brazil they called me 'el guapo dedo' which I believe means the handsome finger... anyway, believe you me I have deffinately had my share of sexual encounters in my time... boy, I tell ya... good stuff... well, ok, maybe not my SHARE but a fair amount, I mean quite a few, wahohoh! High Five!... ah... I mean c'mon... it's the RGB... alright once. But I was really good, I mean really good! She said I reminded her of her 3rd husband, who from what I understand was the man... I'm so alone.

Even Now They Are Watching

2005-04-28T14:44:00.000-07:00

A Bird actually flew into my room the other day. I'll try to explain it, but it happened so fast. I live on the fourth floor of my building and there is no screen on my window, and it flew in. I was naked at the time, and yeah... you know that birds can't think, and they don't know whats going on, but looking into this bird's cold dead eyes I could tell it knew... it knew I was naked, and it liked it because I think I even saw it smile, just a little, I don't know the sun was in my eyes. And it was making wierd noises, not like bird chirping noises but strange coughing noises. Not knowing what to do, my primal instincts reacted, I reached for my TV remote and quickly removed one of the batteries and threw it. The bird flew off. I had dodged death once again. God, if you are reading this (and I know that you are)... Thanks. But I will never forget the day that this bird came into my life and changed my whole view on birds. They know when we are naked. You bet your ass they do... they know.

David Carradine Reveals The Way

2005-04-27T22:41:00.000-07:00

After much pondering, and praying (of course) the Cult's name will be "The Path Of The Rising Sun" I think I saw that on an episode of "Kung-Fu: The Legend Continues" the TV series one time and it just stuck with me. God works in mysterious ways. Anyway this should be a time of rejoicing and mass sacrifice, preferably Flamingtaz a rare form of deer found only in the arctic circle. Go in peace, and keep David Carradine* in your hearts.

*for those who didn't have TurnerNetworkTelevision during the early to mid 90s, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues is a reprisal of the short lived but beloved 70s series Kung Fu which portrayed megastar David Carradine in his finest role as Caine, a Chinese American Kung Fu Master, with a lisp. David would later go on to play the role of Bill in the 'Kill Bill' movies, a tough as nails master assassin... with a lisp. He also starred in such blockbusters as 'Death Race 2000' where he plays a futuristic racer, with... a lisp. His range as an actor is truely amazing, and if you're not familiar with his work, check your local library or go to http://www.davidcarradine.org/

You Shall Have No Graven Images Before Me

2005-04-26T22:58:00.000-07:00

I will soon be posting a picture of myself, so that you faithful can witness me in my full glory. Do not look directly at the picture, for even my image has great powers. When it is posted, print the picture in an 8/10 size and carry it in your wallet and show it to people saying this is "Chest Rockwell" which derives from Hebrew meaning, "God with us". Also carry the contract with you always, we've won the battle, but not yet the war against Conjunctivitis. Now you know, and knowing is half the battle... G.I. Joe!

It's All About Trust, Especially In These Uncertain Times

2005-04-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

After a lllllooooong hiatus I'm back. I'm not going to say I'm "better than ever" or "ready to rumble" or "happy to be alive." Because that would all be lies. And I don't lie to you. Infact I'm starting a new promotion. If you can find one lie on this entire blog, I will give you $46,000 rupies (thats the money from Zelda), and a 4+ sword. But it's not about the sword, I'm doing this to prove a point. You can trust me. You can trust my information, you can trust my news sources, and you can trust me with your daughter. Thats just the bottom line. The facts are I'm not "better than ever." Statistics show my tastey comedy to ass-writing ratio is down 18% from the last quarter. Startling news, but a feel a turn around on the horizon. I'm thinking of adding a fresh new character to the blog named "Zanny Dan." I've got a good feeling about this.

In other news Star Wars Episode III:Revenge Of Kahn or something, comes out some time this month and will inevitably usher in the Apocolypse. Think about it, this is the last Star Wars, and in the Bible it clearly states: "When the one called Lucas rises from the North he will be praised from the depts of the sea and the children of Egypt will weep, for the mighty city has fallen." I don't think it gets any clearer than that. The Bible. You might want to pick it up some time. I think this passage is from 2nd Shadrach. See you guys in hell!

Ok, Ok, damn... I'll stay

2005-04-26T16:17:00.000-07:00

Due to the OVERWHELMING response to my last post, I am forced to carry on the good fight. You bastards pulled me back in. More on this later... now, I have class.

Vote Early, Vote Often

2005-04-22T22:39:00.000-07:00

Okay I need to take a poll of the cult (I already know your thought but I want you to give them to me, that way it's more meaningful) . First let me address everyone. Kathy, you are like the Mom who posted on my site one time and never came back, that I never had. Bless your quirky ways, don't worry you'll find some one some day. The Captain, Snuffelupigus XVIII, you're one hell of a kid. You are like my Canuck long lost little brother, and bless your spirit (pass out the contract). Richard our relationship started out rough but I think you've come around, you even told me the other day that you loved me... Ok you didn't say it but I know you thought it and you put in your dairy. Murph, Murph what can I say it's been one hell of a ride, you posted once, and then I put up a link to your sexual contract, and i am happy to report since earlier today conjuctivitis is down 87% and doctors say the epidemic is moving into submission. We did it.
Mike Maldonado your savage hatred for parking enforcement officers inspires me daily, and you tied Lil' Jon into my site, which I than kyou for, a deep thanks. Elysia, I know thats your fake post name and you never came back and posted with your real name, but I didn't take it personal... I mean it's cool... you know what you can't vote. 2nd Hand Smoke you have a deep love for New Mexico Tech University and I think that is so brave. The way you painted a picture of Socorro with words brings a smile to my face, ok, maybe not a smile but I thought about smiling and that counts for something God damn it. All of you. You all make the cult work and live and grow. Each one of you has had a valuable part in our many accomplishments. If I didn't mention you, I'm sorry, but you don't matter to me. Now the hard part. I'm thinking of deleting the blog. I feel it's gotten to big. Gone too main stream. Over the past 3 days, I've learned alot, and I've probably saved all of your souls. But maybe it's time to hang it up. I had a good run. eh? We gave em hell for a while. But ultimately it is up to you. Sure I control your minds and most of your thoughts, but I want your honest opinion here. Pray alot. See what God tells you. Ask the new Pope if you get a chance to see him face to face (speak latin he likes that). Hey, you guys keep... you keep truckin alright... if i don't see you...
keep truckin...

New Rule: You Can't Post Anonymously

2005-04-22T17:27:00.000-07:00

If you post anonymously I can not enforce the penalties that have been created, directly onto your blog. But don't you think for a minute that I don't know where you sleep, or when your eyes itch, ect... If you have to post anonymously post responsibly. Thats all I ask. This is a serious site meant to be used solely for recruitment purposes. Please take it seriously. If you think I'm just here to put up 4 posts a day to make you laugh, and prophecy with eerie detail, you are wrong. Alright, now if you have something constructive to say about the cult or you have your $14.99 ready, then we can talk.

*News Flash*

I have just emerged from another holy conclave with the lead singer of Steely Dan, Cobra Commander, The Green Lantern, John Stamos as Uncle Jesse from Full House, and a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, and we are happy to announce that 'The Captain' has been named the Archbishop Supreme Duke of Captaining and Captainy in charge of contract dispersement. Among the faithful he will be known as St. Snuffelupigus XVII. That is all.

UNM Parking Service: Interfering With Students Since 1897

2005-04-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well, I recieved my 17th parking ticket for this semester today. At $15 each... I believe... that comes out to around $782. But I'm fine with it. I just pretend that I used that money to buy a priceless parking pass that allows me to park anywhere at any time. When I walk out to my car, parked on the grass blocking the east doors of the Student Union Building next to the water fountain, and see that ticket, I'm OK. I mean come on, I would pay almost anything for this pass. I park at meters, I park in reserved/handicaped spots. What is it all worth? about $782. I think that's fair. Besides UNM Parking is one of our oldest and finest institutions here, our school mascot used to be the 'Fighting Parking Ticket Guys' that was later changed to the current mascot which I think is the 'Ojos los Conejos' which means 'eyes of the rabbit' in spanish, (very avantgaurd). Anyway ever since I was a kid I've looked up to parking officers, with the optional plastic badge, the questionable hygiene, the dull dead eyes that coldly look through you, past your soul and to your parking pass, with that ever so slight glimmer when they spot a vehicle parked wrong. What is there not to admire? Unfortunately I could not pass the physical requirements, or the drug test, and I'm blind in one eye, and I can't understand numbers, and I have a slight fear of cars, it's the metal... all that metal, moving around...

And remember friends, I am only a thought away. If you have prayed me into your hearts, then you've already joined my cult. There's no fancy initiation or bogus ritual it's all inside. Distribute the contract, love one another, and look upon me as some kind of god-like father figure, thats all I ask... Eh? Come on, that's all I ask.

PSA (The More You Know)

2005-04-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

Conjunctivitis, it's no joke, this disease or virus or something, effects more than 170,000,000,000 Americans each year (and we're the only ones that matter anyway) worldwide the numbers just get ridiculous. How can it be stopped? By simple precautionary/legal action. 94% of all conjuctivitis cases are transmitted sexually. These numbers were taken from http://edcp.org/factsheets/conjunct.html On the following link there is a generic and printable version of a contract which I feel can stop this epidemic before it takes over more lives. http://theasspage.blogspot.com/ is providing a very valuable and urgently needed service in our present time. Go in peace and spread the contract. And remember, only you can prevent forest fires*.

*Forest fires have been closely linked to severe cases of conjuctivitis type D

Dick Brings Peace, With Honor, To Our Fued

2005-04-22T13:29:00.000-07:00

First of all Dick is a perfectly valid shortening of the name Richard. Based upon Richard's recent comment on my page, and the fact that he completely closed shop and erased his blog, I am going to assume that he wants to end our rivalry. I have mixed feelings about this. The animosity has gone on for so long that it is deep-rooted and steeped in mystery. Some say it started hundreds of years ago when a distant relative of Richards stole 4 sheckels (the modern equivalent of $180,000) from one of my ancestors in a sheep racing incident, others say it started 2 days ago when he posted "blah, blah, blah" on my comments... the details are hazy... but the hate was real, and deep, but maybe it's time. I just watched an episode of Highway To Heaven were Michael Landon forgave some guy for trying to kill him, and I feel the situation between Richard and I is VERY similar to this. So consider it over. The stalking will stop, the various tribal curses will be halted, everything, consider it over. But there is a letter you will be receiving tonight stating that you have won $1,000,000. Do not open it and do not let it's temperature exceed 83 degrees. Locate a local poison control center and dispose of it immediately. In other news, after holding a three day conclave with myself, Optimus Prime of the transformers, Alf, a very believable Fonz impersonator, and Commander Riker from Star Trek the Next Generation, it has been determined that Murph will be named assistant grand wizard in charge of scholarship disbursement and roadside assistance. He will take the name Gargamel VIII and will be revered by all. He will of course be considered infalable from this day forth and all of his comments will be canonized.

P.S. just to let Kathy and Elysia know "what I'm on" it's no secret, it's just a very sensible diet with lots of excercise, a little sage, a pinch of rose hip, four caplets of Tylenol PM, a table spoon of Milk of Magnesia, Robitussin (thats the name brand, not "Wal-Tussin" or some fake forgery Tussin), just a dash of whey, and a Sonic Orange Smoothie - Sonic Sized, oh yeah and some rufies.

Arch Nemesis

2005-04-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

There is some guy named Richard that came to my blog and wrote quote: "Blah,blah,blah" in the comments. It was so funny I erased it. I don't know this guy or why he even came to my blog but since he thinks he's funny, I went over to his blog and completetly rolled him, it was pretty good, (if you want to read it, it's over on http://hughesrl.blogspot.com/ on 4/20/05 under the post titled "OK!" also my post on "Message Board Thingy" is pretty damn good too) I give the roll a B+, I took a little off for spelling, and I didn't site my sources very well... anyway hopefully he will come back and read this post becasue since he wants to be funny I'm calling him out (begin Macho Man Randy Savage voice) I'm gonna find him were ever he goes, whatever he does, where ever he tries to hide, and when I get him in that ring, brother, he is gonna wish he was never born, Oh Yeah! That's right brother I'm calling you out Richard next Saturday, WWE Raw in Orlando the championship belt on the line, you won't have anywhere to hide, OH YEAH! Richard I am going to haunt your dreams, and not in a gay way but in a scary way! My slightly comical phrases will burough deep in your mind and they will fill you with a miriade of feelings, first anger, then hope, then fury, then acceptance. You will join my cult richard, become one of the flock, you will be readily accepted by the others, although at first you will have to jocky for position, Kathy is already making a good case for supreme wizard bishop of spirituality. But do not fear you will soon find your place. It is inevitable Richard your comic stilings are similar to mine, I too use the words blah, blah, blah frequently, I have found they are the centerpiece of comedy. Taste it Richard, Taste me... Love me.

My Feet Smell Like Freshly Baked Bread

2005-04-20T13:22:00.000-07:00

My iPod froze up again. But I guess I was asking for it, I was using it to listen to music. I blame myself. So I had to bring it into Best Buy which has the friendliest service this side of the Ganges. The conversation went something like this -
Clerk: "What."
Me : "My iPod froze up."
Clerk: "Do you have the warranty?"
Me: "Oh, the warranty? No I just figured I'd bring it here becasue you guys fix things out of the goodness of your heart like Jesus taught, and now you guys are continuing his teachings."
Clerk: (Pause)
Me: "Yes I have the warranty."
Clerk: "Alright, it will be like a month, we'll call you."
Me: "A month, cool thats exactly why I spent $400 on an iPod and $50 on your extended warranty so that I could give it to you guys for an extended period of time. Becasue I don't want it anyway. Infact why don't you keep it."
Clerk: (Pause)
Me: "I'll see you in a month."
On a lighter note my feet smell like freshly baked cinnamon bread. I know it's probably the yeast warming deep in the innerlining of my shoe but, I like it, I can pretend like I'm magic.
And that helps me get through the day.

Welcome Me With Cautious Optimism... As Your Leader

2005-04-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

Due to overwhelming pressure from friends, family, peers, and a surprisingly large amount of strangers that have approach me on the street, I am starting a blog. First I want to start by saying, welcome, my posts will be eratic and unreliable, semi-original and at their peak mildly amusing, they will be filled with unconditional love, educational value, social awareness and just a little touch of unmitigated fury. I am 23 years old and I currently live in New Mexico which I believe just this past week was named our nations 53rd state, don't quote me on that, it was either last week or it's happening next week, I don't keep up with that stuff... either way, very exiting. I live in Albuquerque to be exact, a bustling metropolis on the cutting edge of culture and technology. Why just yesterday as I was being harrassed by a homeless illegal alien with 9 children and no pants on, I thought where else can you get this? This is real, this is what life is all about, this is what "civilized society" is missing. That spice. That unbearable stench that springs from the bowls of hell, that you can't wash off no matter how hard you try, it just sticks to you and some days you wake up and you wonder if it will always be there, if it will ever come off...
Thats New Mexico. The land of enchantment, the great southwest. If you are into unquenchable barren desert land with no hope for future development, this is it. Sure the literacy rate hovers right around 30% which is a little disturbing, but alot of people are starting to get cars and televisions and running water so I see a economic explosion in the VERY foreseeable future. I can get you in on the ground floor. Much of the land around here is not recognized by the United States Government so you can get some sweet deals, I am talking sweet. You need mules, got it, you need an eduactional system for your kids that is better than over 82% of most fallen Eastern European states, got it. Out here we show those commy bastards who is boss. And with the inevitable installation of electricity, the sky is the limit. Well okay for my friends on the coasts who have never been through here, maybe it's not that bad... that illegal alien only had 7 kids... and well... the rest is basically true, but, the sunsets... wow... if only sunsets created minimum wage jobs we would have it pretty nice down here, but who hasn't thought that once or twice? I mean you can't have everything I suppose. Anyway, follow me in my further adventures in this beautiful and mysterious land that I have come to love so much. Read as I travel to Indian Casino after Indian Casino and argue with cashiers who can't speak English over the price of my taquitto and large Fanta. Read as I dive deep into the rich heratige of centuries of succeful people leaving this land as fast as humanly possible. It is going to be a wonderful journey. Won't you join me? Won't you love me? Eh? Yes, I said it, love. I want to learn from me and care for me and eventually join my cult as a loyal follower. Isn't that what we are all after?
Isn't that love? To just say hey, this guys blog is slightly funny I think I'll throw away my life and follow him. Eh? What would the Pope want you to do? Eh? Just think about it... thats all I'm saying... Until next time, peace and love from the great province of NM.